Relationship Advice from Uncle Pete

How easy is it to live with a triathlete or to be a “partner” to a triathlete? I guess that depends on what your requirements are in a relationship. If you want someone who will always be there for you, who thinks Saturdays are for mowing lawns and visiting Ikea and Sundays are for social gatherings and church, you may be out of luck. If you object to grease stains on carpets (and floors and t-shirts); if you dislike having a cupboard shelf devoted to water bottles and another devoted to nutritional supplements, similarly, you might want to look elsewhere for romance. To truly love a triathlete, you have to appreciate pasta and beer as cornerstones of a diet. You must see artistry in lycra, and recognize the wisdom of having three or four pairs or sunglasses for riding and running. You need to regard chlorine as your favorite cologne, and know that today’s sleep-in is tomorrow’s 4am start. You have to regard the term “vacation” slightly differently from your friends, knowing it means going somewhere beautiful and living like a monk for three days and a slob the rest of the time, with one day in the middle devoted to wandering aimlessly around the streets of some town you have never visited saying things like “great job” while you get thirsty, tired and sunburnt. You need to recognize that walls are for race posters, closets are for t-shirts that say “finisher” and wardrobes are for sweatshirts and bike jerseys with m-dots on them. Running shoes and bike shoes take pride of place, usually at the front door or, if they are unbearably fragrant, outside where sunshine may kill bacteria but probably won’t, and anyway, dead bacteria smell pretty awful too, just like live ones. You need to be able to admire race hats, and say things about the various race jerseys that indicate more than benign tolerance. “Whatever” is not an acceptable answer when asked to choose between the Ironman Canada top and the Florida top. You need to enjoy bikes as art, and be able to sustain long conversations about wheels, cassettes, handlebar positions and frame materials. You need to know that Zipp has two p’s and Hed has no a. Watching the Tour de France will constitute a romantic evening. Power Bars become a staple snack. White thighs are a mark of distinction. Shaved legs are normal, as are 8pm bedtimes and piles containing more sweaty clothes than a football locker room.

I offer these handy tips because I understand that not all readers of this blog have been fortunate enough to encounter full tolerance of what may flatteringly be called the “triathlete lifestyle”. I don’t know what to say, really. It all seems fine and normal when you lay it out like this. But relationships are complex and sensitive things, especially relationships with women. All I can advise is that you persist in the knowledge that true love always finds a way. If she really is special, if she really is the right one, she will love you as you are. She won’t mind that you have your own Venus razor, or that you can eat a monster burrito in less than 5 minutes, or that you think a stick of bodyglide is a nice present. She will love you for who you are, and if she has any taste, she will love you for your bike too.