Handy conversation hints from Uncle Pete

I know that many triathletes -- perhaps because of long hours spent alone on bikes, maybe the hours spent face down in a pool -- have trouble with conversation, at least with normal people. With other triathletes, it can be easier, and the conversation can touch the lofty heights of comparing gels and discussing cassettes and chainrings, perhaps even drifting to the esoteric realms of "what I think about when I am tired" or "how my wife/spouse/other thinks I am weird because I fall asleep at 8". It is really pretty barren territory, even with other triathletes. These are mostly people who think Byron is a place in Australia where there's good surf and regard painting as an optional extra when designing your own carbon frame. I have never gone on a long ride for the conversation, and post-race and post-ride discussions with triathletes and triathlete friends are definitely improved by beer, lots of it.

So, I was thinking, is there a universal conversation-starter I can safely recommend to my challenged tri-friends, those for whom an evening out with a favorite male/female/other friend is an experience in terror as time passes with excruciating tediousness, conversations flourish briefly only to die in dismal silence, perhaps enlivened momentarily by a witticism or the sight of a colorful bird, but most likely not, most likely just a sad parade of tired ideas, stunted, inelegant, doomed. How, I wondered, can people with even minimal social skills, start a conversation so lively that it brings everyone into it, evokes shared memories, laughter, maybe even important life-lessons?

It was then that I realized that there was such a subject, one whose mention remains a great standby even for me: chafing. Try it the next time your dinner companion looks wistfully at the world out the window and the silence threatens to engulf the pitiful remains of what once was a relationship. Just toss in a jovial comment such as "hey, I was out for a little 90-minute run today and you'll never guess what! I chafed so badly I nearly cried when I got into the shower..". It helps if, at this point, you gesture boldly in the direction where the chafing has occurred, as you continue to explain when you first felt the pain, how you plan to treat it, and what course of preventive action you recommend for others. Your companion will be impressed at your humanity and will use the opportunity of this conversation to share deeply personal memories, dreams and hopes. Try it. You will be amazed.

There are occasions when not even a brisk discussion of chafing can resurrect the evening. At such times, I doubt that things are worth saving. You are obviously in the presence of a drone. Admit it, draw the line and move on. Get the dessert menu and see if there's anything interesting on your iphone.